Jaded Punk!

Α few days ago, the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York hosted the 2013 Met Gala. This year’s theme was “Punk: From Chaos To Couture.” For many celebrities, this was the first time they had used the word “punk” in a sentence that wasn’t “Have my assistant get me Daft Punk tickets.” It was also an excuse for them to spend $10,000 to spike their hair up and play punk dress up for a night. When interviewed, they all sounded like total shitheads talking out of their asses. Here’s what some of them had to say in these actual quotes from the red carpet…

“Favorite punk song? Um, it’s kind of hard on the spot. Is Goo Goo Dolls considered punk?”
—Kimberly Chandler, trophy wife of NY Knicks’ center, Tyson Chandler

“My dog ate a safety pin during the fitting, which is punk.”
—Lena Dunham, star of Two Broke Girls or whatever

“I’m embracing the punk. There’s so much punk style in everything we do and wear everyday; we just never have the chance to do it all the way.”
—Hanneli Mustaparta, former model/current dummy

“I skipped punk and went straight to couture. I never did punk.”
—Andre Leon Talley, editor at large of Vogue/total fucking clown

“The curator of the exhibition told me that the color of punk is pink so I’m in pink by Chanel.”
—Anna Wintour, editor in chief of Vogue/woman who gets paid to talk about clothes

“I don’t think I had a punk fashion phase but I think I was definitely a punk.”
—Rooney Mara, actress who dressed punk in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

“I did not [have a punk phase]. That’s why I think my version of punk for me is not probably the mohawk, typical punk that you’d sort of envision. A little bit more like ‘romantic punk.’”
—Kim Kardashian, notable reality TV shithead

“Punk absolutely was an influence in my life. I grew up in the 80s, right at the end of the 70s. Still very formidable years of my upbringing and existence and it was absolutely formed by punk rock for sure.”
—Cameron Diaz, jizz-haired girl from that movie

“I’ve gone through many phases in my life, I think [punk] may have been one briefly.”
—Minka Kelly, most obnoxious character on Friday Night Lights

“I feel very elegant but kinda punk rock because it’s leather.”
—Jessica Alba, some actress

“I grew up on classic rock and that obviously at some point delves into [punk]. I love the Clash. I like the Sex Pistols. I did a movie called The Runaways that got me a little bit more aware of stuff like that. But the energy of it couldn’t coincide with who I am more.”
—Kristen Stewart, Twilight actress/pile of wet laundry

“Tonight for The Met I am channeling the OG queen of PUNK, JOAN of ARC!”
—Katy Perry, singer/whipped cream enthusiast

“I love a lot of the music from that time so it’ll be really cool to see what everyone was wearing and see how that’s inspired couture.”
—Anne Hathaway, America’s most hated actress

“It’s punk because I’ve gone totally classic on a punk night!”
—actress Gwenyth Paltrow on her pink dress

“Who’s not angry when you’re growing up?!”
—designer Alexander Wang, on his punk phase

“Punk rock has a unique culture and distinct style that I really admire. Music of all genres has always been a central influence in my designs. I tend to gravitate more toward classic American rock, but I listen to and love punk rock albums from The Ramones and Blondie.”
—Tommy Hilfiger, designer of clothes for rappers and white boat owners

“I don’t think I fully understood the theme.”
—Kate Upton, human Viagra for Terry Richardson

Dan Ozzi from very funny site Jadedpunk.com