I once had a client for many years. Her name was Mary and she was very successful in her profession, self-made, pretty and very smart in things that related to business and finances.
She had an issue though: She always complained for not finding a companion. She had never been married and she attributed this to the fact that she had not met the right man. In her eyes or males appeared “inferior.”
At first she hired me to do an energy therapy so that I could determine the root cause. So I asked to see her living space. She lived in a very luxurious apartment with a view to the sea. She had many paintings, all related to the same subject: Usually women alone. Some had their backs turned, others were walking alone in a rainy countryside, etc. She had many closet full of items and clothes which, as she explained, were from her youth and she stubbornly refused to part with them even though she knew that she would never wear them again.
She believed that she had gained weight and that this was the reason that she could not find a companion. So together we started an exercise routine, I gave her a special diet with many fruits and vegetables, I even put her in a detoxification and a special intestinal cleansing program. She did really well, lost weight and developed her muscles. I accompanied her to a plastic surgeon in Paris, helped her change her entire wardrobe, and we both started changing the entire décor of her house.
At first she was enthusiastic, but soon she became disappointed and with regret confessed that she still could not find a companion.
After much work and discussion which took a while, the following facts emerged:
- All the men who wanted her, she did not desire, because she perceived them as inferior. This fact gave her the false impression that no one wanted her, but this was only due to the fact that she did not want them. So she would fall into a deep depression believing that she was constantly being rejected.
- Those men who interested her were not available. They were usually in a relationship, much younger, lived in another country, or at the end of the day were “in a different phase.”
- Plus she worked so many hours that when she got back home it was so late that she usually didn’t have the time to “socialize.”
- When she finally found someone she liked and he was available, she would immediately do everything she could to sabotage it, such as: “I can’t sleep in the same bed he keeps on twisting and turning, I don’t have enough room in my closet for his clothes, he brought too many things for the weekend, he eats like a slob, he has no money, his tummy is too big,” etc.
Eventually Mary would always stay alone and that’s when the “drama” would start with crying, wondering again and again why, with statements such as: “there are no men”, “this is because of my bad luck” (by the way, this bad luck of hers – which was blamed so often during the time that I knew her – even if it had not been bad at the outset surely became that over time!).
Then she would start taking different people as an example, such as: “look at her, she is bad ugly, has no class, and has the best companion,” or “I think this guy, since he doesn’t want me, must be gay”, or “I don’t have time to waste on all the garbage that is around.”
I took me a long time to make her see that it was no one else’s fault but her own. And, in general, it is no one else’s fault but our own, because the issue is not whether I find love but what obstacles I place on myself to keep me away from love. At a deeper level, the question is what am I afraid of so much that inside of me I trip myself? And this applies not just to love, but for other things that we don’t achieve in life.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we sabotage ourselves and we often do it with our own beliefs.
How do you expect to approach love when:
- First of all, you don’t take responsibility for what you really want and who you are. You believe that real love does not exist, that no worthy men exist, and that all women are the same.
- With the signals from your body, your actions and your decisions, you drive everyone away from you because deep down inside you are unavailable. The place where you live and work emits your loneliness and your real need.
In the case of my client, on her own she selected unavailable men because deep inside she did not want to lose her freedom and she wanted to confirm her belief that she was being rejected. For the same reason one guy stunk and the other was sour. She refused stubbornly to dispose of her supposedly useful past from her closet, because she basically felt secure in the familiar company of herself and essentially did not want the change.
And that is why she didn’t even make room in her closet for some man’s clothes. But then how do you expect change to come to your life if you don’t get rid of the old? How do you expect to share your life with a partner when you won’t make room in your closet? How do you expect to uncover a treasure when you believe that all men are trash? When your own language is negative, how will you approach the positive? Even after we renovated her house, she insisted on having the same paintings which basically emitted her internal tendency.
I turn my back to men, to a relationship, to companionship. Loneliness is my choice. So what we think that we want and what we really deep down desire are different.
So when we were working to materialize what she wanted in her life and things did not happen immediately she got angry, lost her faith and said: “I told you so, this has nothing to do with what we ask for and what we focus on, but on luck; and mine is bad!”
She refused to see all other good things that she had such as her health, her beauty and her financial comfort and she concentrated on the one thing that supposedly she lacked; and as a result, her ingratitude brought even more negative results.
You see in life we don’t attract what we want or think that we want, but WHAT WE ARE!
And what are we? We are a combination of our values, our beliefs, and our choices. If you believe that no one is helping you, then you will remain unhelped. If you choose to pick yourself up when you fall, you will advance. And if you think that you are loved, then you will be loved.
Magic, you will say? If the natural human tendency to do everything to confirm our beliefs, our values, and our thoughts is magic, then yes. Our life contains the magic element anyway. So if you curse your luck and you consider it to be responsible for whatever happens in your life (as if you don’t have a say anywhere), then what you will get in the end is bad luck – no matter how much you meditate for the rest of your life! It is as if life by magic tells you: “at your command boss, I will give you whatever you request!”
Eventually we reached a point with my client where she accepted that she was responsible for her situation. She emptied with great difficulty her closet and we donated the items to people who found them valuable. We replaced the negative vocabulary with more positive expressions; we worked so that she could see that everyone around us is special. Each may be different, but is equal in this life. But even then she passed the buck elsewhere by saying that: “My parents are to blame! They didn’t give me love, so how would I know how to find it?” “They never hugged me, I felt rejected and so I am afraid that if I fall in love, I will be hurt.”
OK, acceptable up to a point. But still it is our hurt self that does not want to admit that it is wrong and needs to change.
It is easier for us to blame bad things to someone else such as our parents, our partner, or our luck.
Because yes, sure, we were hurt, we hurt ourselves, we hurt someone, we can conjugate the entire verb and, up to a certain age, this is acceptable. But at some point we need to understand that:
- Now that we are no longer kids who commands us? Who is the person who tells us what to do and how to react? And if we don’t like something about this person, who can make this person change?
- Who is responsible for our life? Our fate, or our choices and thoughts and sentiments?
- And who can make things change? Santa Clause?
We all more or less see ourselves in Mary and Mary is just a name and an example for us to look more deeply inside ourselves and to take command of our life instead of complaining.
The time we waste whining could be used to understand how we trip our self and how we can change this.
My luck is dark; I will have a dark time. If I don’t have the abs of so-and-so, whose fault is it? My parents’, who were not athletic types, or my own since I constantly find an excuse to avoid the gym and blame my genes, possibly because the value of doing something else instead is higher than my stomach muscles.
And surely you will notice those people who do better in life than some others are characterized by a constant optimism, politeness, and humility.
More than anything else, however, they are grateful for what they already have, and even more for the greatest gift that we have been given already: Life itself.
They are successful because they attract to their life what they believe and what they are.
However, this is something that we can “work on” with ourselves; even if we were not born with this positive gene, even if our family tended to be miserable, poor, or whatever else. Some folks are born with a nice body and others are not, but they work hard to improve it and often the results are truly impressive. And they are worth more…
The other day a friend called me and ask for advice on his financials which, as he told me, were never ideal, but now with the crisis have of course deteriorated. So I asked him:
- “Tell me 3 values that you have in your life.”
- “Honesty, sincerity, trustworthiness,” he replied.
- “OK, now tell me what the characteristics of the person who makes money are?”
- “Thief, crook, and dishonest!” he answered angrily.
You see? My friend will obviously not find money because in his mind he who makes
Money is a thief and his values and beliefs do not allow him to become one of them!!! If on the other hand he had said, e.g. “smart, reliable, ambitious,” then maybe he would have been rich already!